We all can recount those traditional vows that many use to start off marriage: “…In sickness and in health…”. Battling sickness in a marriage is a huge undertaking, but we agreed to love each other through it in our marriage covenant.
But what about mental illness? It’s not that we conveniently leave out that clause in our vows, but just not something we think about impacting our marriage down the road.
When a spouse confronts any form of illness in a marriage, it is difficult, but for some reason, mental illness is often ignored and even more difficult to walk through.
As someone that has been diagnosed with severe postpartum depression, and now, clinical depression, I can assure you, this is not what my husband signed up for. There was a season when the joyful, affectionate, caring, and compassionate wife that my husband married was nowhere to be found and was instead replaced with someone that could barely communicate, struggled to get out of bed, let alone shower on a daily basis, and didn’t want to be alive anymore.
What can you do when you are in that position? How do you convince someone that is locked in the prison of their own mind, that they are worthy of love? How do you show them that you love them?
I want to recognize that depression is a serious medical condition and that medical intervention may be necessary, but this doesn’t mean that we ignore our spouse and let the doctor’s care for them. No matter what type of illness, mental or physical, you may be walking through as a couple, it can be exhausting. If you are walking through a trial in your marriage related to mental illness, I want to encourage you to press in and not check out.
To continue investing in your marriage in the midst of depression, you must press in and not check out. Something that I really admire about my husband, is that during my darkest of days, he was determined to show me that he cared.
He pressed in by putting an ice cube in my coffee because he knows I want to be able to sip on it right away. He pressed in rubbing my feet because that was the only part of my body that I could stand to have touched. He also pressed in by leaving me alone when I didn’t feel up to carrying on a conversation or processing my emotions.
Pressing in can be exhausting. Both having depression and being married to someone with depression is exhausting. Life is exhausting. Oftentimes the healthy spouse is found carrying the load of both themselves and the spouse that is suffering. You can be exhausted and wondering who is going to help you carry the weight of maintaining your home, putting food on the table, and still seeking to love that person that once had so much light in their eyes.
In Matthew 11, Jesus reminds us to seek him to find true rest: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, ESV)
Seeking Jesus first, before anything else, allows us to find a place to set down all of the burdens that come with loving a depressed spouse. Through a relationship with Him, you can find the motivation to press in instead of checking out and find the rest that you need to continue on.
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